How to Be Annoying
- Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the
people are green, and insist that you "like it that
way".
- Drum on every available surface.
- Remove every line of someone's .newsrc
file except the entry for
alt.sex.fetish.hamster.duct-tape.
- Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
- Staple papers in the middle of the page.
- Ask 800 operators for dates.
- Produce a rental video consisting entirely
of dire FBI copy warnings.
- Sew anti-theft detector strips into
people's backpacks.
- Hide dairy products in inaccessible
places.
- Write the surprise ending to a novel on
its first page.
- Specify that your drive-thru order is
"to go".
- Set alarms for random times.
- Learn Morse code, and have conversations
with friends in public consisting entirely of
"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...."
- Buy large quantities of mint dental floss
just to lick the flavor off.
- Order a side of pork rinds with your filet
mignon.
- Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next
Thanksgiving.
- Leave your Nine Inch Nails in Great Uncle
Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.
- Publically investigate just how slowly you
can make a "croaking" noise.
- Honk and wave to strangers.
- Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's
Orange.
- Change channels five minutes before the
end of every show.
- Tape pieces of "Sweating to the
Oldies" over climatic parts of rental movies.
- Wear your pants backwards.
- Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and
simply eat their complementary mints by the cash
register.
- Begin all your sentences with "ooh la
la!"
- Rouse your roommates from slumber each
morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
- Leave someone's printer in
compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
- ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
- only type in lowercase.
- dont use any punctuation either
- Buy a large quantity of orange traffic
cones and re-route whole streets.
- Pay for your dinner with pennies.
- Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
- Repeat everything someone says, as a
question.
- Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in
random spots on all of someone's yard.
- Inform everyone you meet of your personal
Kennedy assasination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
- Repeat the following conversation a dozen
times: "Do you hear that?" "What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
- Light road flares on a birthday cake.
- Wander around the restaurant, asking other
diners for their parsley.
- Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
- Demand that everyone address you as
"Conquistador".
- Push all the flat Lego pieces together
tightly.
- At the laundromat, use one dryer for each
of your socks.
- When Christmas carolling, sing
"Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically
restrained.
- Wear a cape that says "Magnificent
One".
- As much as possible, skip rather than
walk.
- Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling,
as they read.
- Sing the "This is the song that never
ends..." song. (Ya know, Lamb Chops?)
- Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk
to it.
- Drive half a block.
- Name your dog "Dog".
- Inform others that they exist only in your
imagination.
- Ask people what gender they are.
- Reply to everything someone says with
"that's what YOU think!"
- Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and
place the cookie parts back in the tray.
- Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If
Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
- Forget the punchline to a long joke, but
assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
- Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture,
informing the curious that you don't want to fall off
"in case the big one comes".
- Follow a few paces behind someone,
spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
- Deliberately hum songs that will remain
lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz
Navidad", the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr.
Rogers theme song.
- While making presentations, occasionally
bob your head like a parakeet.
- Lie obviously about trivial things such as
the time of day.
- Make beeping noises when a large person
backs up.
- Leave your Christmas lights up and lit
until September.
- Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for
the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim
it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce
each "A".
- Sit in your front yard pointing a black
hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Invent nonsense computer jargon in
conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the
appearance of ignorance.
- Wear a LOT of cologne.
- Ask to "interface" with someone.
- Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed,
and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your
"superior mental processing".
- Sing along at the opera.
- Mow your lawn with scissors.
- At a golf tournament, chant
"swing-batabatabatabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
- Finish all your sentences with the words
"in accordance with prophesy".
- Ask the waitress for an extra seat for
your "imaginary friend".
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why each
poem doesn't rhyme.
- Ask your co-workers mysterious questions,
and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles".
- Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such
as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
- Stare at static on the TV and claim you
can see a "magic picture".
- Select the same song on the jukebox fifty
times.
- Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet
and seek out victims.
- Do not add any inflection to the end of
your sentences, producing awkward silences with the
impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
- Never make eye contact.
- Never break eye contact.
- Signal that a conversation is over by
clamping your hands over your ears.
- Construct elaborate "crop
circles" in your front lawn.
- Construct your own pretend
"tricorder", and "scan" people with
it, announcing the results.
- Give a play-by-play account of a person's
every action in a nasal
- Howard Cossell voice.
- Holler random numbers while someone is
counting.
- Invite lots of people to other people's
parties.
- Send fifty copies of this list to everyone
you know.