1. "Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children."

2. "Ushers will eat latecomers."

3. "The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done."

4. "The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning."

5. "The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."

6. "Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 PM. Please use the back door."

7. "Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary."

8. "The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."

9. "The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience."

10. "The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'"

11. "Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on 'It's a Terrible Experience'."

12. "Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice."

13. "Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM. Please use large double door at the side entrance."

14. "Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community."

15. "The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy."

16. "A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday."

17. "Today's Sermon: 'How Much Can a Man Drink?' with hymns from a full choir."

18. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: "God is good - Dr. Hargreaves is better."

19. "Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow."

20. "The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church."

21. "Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones."

22. "The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir."