Skinny people piss me off. Especially when they say things like, "You know, sometimes I forget to eat." Now, I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat. In that case, you don't deserve to eat.

I'm Catholic. My mother and I were unpacking and she found my diaphragm. I had to tell her it was a bathing cap for my cat.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she didn't give a damn.

They kept telling us we had to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it on a Tuesday morning when I genially proposed, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in Vigorous Toning With Resistance?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch, do it and you die."

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I've done my job.

My doctor said "I've got good news and I've got bad news. The good news is you don't have PMS. The bad news is - you're a bitch"

I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day.

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches around or 34 years old can fit into that stuff.

Sometimes I wonder if men and women are really suited to each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?"