Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why do they put Braille on the buttons of drive through bank machines?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for "synonym"?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?