Over the years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are slim and trim. After countless hours of research, it was finally discovered that their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new Toddler Miracle diet.
Day One Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only, then spill the rest.)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of stale root beer.
Bedtime Snack: Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.
Day Two Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half a bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.
Day Three Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on cushion of your mom's best chair.Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some cooking wine, coffee.
Final Day Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), a bit of soap, an olive. Pour glass of milk over bowl of corn flakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find sucker and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.