I have to stop choosing beers based solely on interesting label art.

The bottle of Victory Golden Monkey screamed out to me: FUN! But then I popped the top and took a long swig that, at first, was a rush of pleasure, but a few minutes later left me feeling disappointed and even a bit stupid.

I was looking at the six-armed monkey with the big eye in its belly, but I didn’t actually read the label. “Tripel Ale. All brewed with spices.”

I should know by now I don’t care for spiced beer. At least, not this kind. Cloves are great for ham, and I don’t even mind them in cigarettes, but they don’t belong in an ale.

Halfway through the bottle I’m tempted to dump it out. But, no. I can’t bring myself to do it. I started this journey, and so I must finish it. I must at least describe the taste, because some of you out there must like this stuff.

The first long draw I took was a rush of pleasure because the taste is a Trojan horse. It comes off fruity and sweet up front, riding a rich frothy wave of malty goodness. Then, forty seconds later when your guard is down, Golden Monkey pops open a hidden door and the Trojan army comes pouring out armed with clove. Clove, of all things. It numbs the tongue, making it feel like a big blob of fat that’s lodged in your mouth. Clove, hops, and a mix of other spices that is beyond me to decipher — it’s not a code I speak.

Should I mention at this point that it’s 9.5% alcohol? Now that’s a saving grace, and one that’s keeping me drinking. We’ll call that liquid courage, added to help me fight off the Trojan army I let in. Three quarters through the bottle and the liquid courage is definitely kicking in.

I daresay that, by the time I finish the bottle, I’d be brave enough to drink another one.

Fortunately for me this is the only one I have.

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