You have to wonder why Miller chose to put the word “genuine” on the label. What, has there been doubt that it’s something other than beer? So now they have to say, “Not only is this beer, it’s genuine beer!”

It’s sort of pathetic, in a way.

Then again, you have to admire that, unlike Coors boasting about their water source, and Budweiser spouting nonsense about aging inside Beachwood casks, they’re at least proclaiming their product to be nothing more than it is: beer.

Indeed, it would be refreshing to have Budweiser do something similar. Say like put in big letters: “Not poisonous! Our exclusive Beachwood aging process only makes it taste like poison.”

I’m happy to report that Miller Genuine Draft doesn’t taste like poison, and unlike Coors, it has a strong beer flavor. It’s not a particularly good beer flavor, but it’s undeniably beer.

Maybe that’s why they proclaim it to be genuine? As if, it’s the only positive thing they can honestly say about it?

I find it the least watery of all the common mass-produced American factory brews. It starts off with a beery flavor that tells of over-processed malts and generic hops. It fades slowly to a chemical tang, hinting at vast tanks of metal and large well-oiled gears. The aftertaste fades off into a gentle homogenized bitterness that is not satisfying, yet not that unpleasant.

The back of the label contends that it’s “Cold filtered four times to create a golden, rich flavor with remarkable smoothness.” Well, they have the “golden” part right. But smooth? Hmm. I guess if you compare it to broken glass or sandpaper, then yes, it’s smooth. Otherwise you have to wonder where these people get the idea of what “smooth” means.

Note to Miller: “Smooth” is a baby’s bottom, or the tender skin of a beautiful woman’s inner thighs. Try touching one or the other sometime, then go back and rethink the wording on your bottle’s back label.

To sum up, Miller “Genuine” beer is neither horrid nor good. It’s generic. And with that, I’m finished resetting my palate — I’m dying for some really high quality, worth-every-moment-you-spend-with-it brew.

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